What NOT to Say

Short with broad-shoulders, flat-chest, short-waist, narrow hips, high butt, bowed-legs, flat feet… these are all ways by which I can be described, yet I have never had body image issues.  I was a confident child and am now a confident woman, despite larger women stating that I’m not a “real woman” because of my smaller frame, but I digress.     

When I became pregnant, I looked forward to seeing my body evolve into something big (but not too big), strong, and beautiful enough to nurture a little life.  I have always loved watching pregnant women grow and glow. I smiled at, adored and complimented perfect pregnant strangers. I thought this is what everyone did.  I learned quickly that this is not the case.

For some reason, when people see a pregnant woman, they lose all sense of themselves and their manners.  I have had people say the craziest (i.e. rudest) things to me about my size and look.  My mother says that I am being overly sensitive, but I can’t believe what comes out of some people’s mouths. 

Since I was about 5 months, when my little girl first began to show herself, people have insisted that I was having twins and I admit, that before my second ultrasound, I was starting to be convinced.  I have not gotten bigger everywhere. I am, as they say, “ALL BABY”.  It’s because of my aforementioned short waist that my baby began to run out of space rather quickly, even displacing a rib. 

Carrying her has caused so much pressure in my low back that my left sacroiliac joint regularly comes out of its space, which is repaired every 2 weeks by my chiropractor.  All of this is outside of my hyperemesis. So you see, when I have gathered enough energy to put on cute maternity clothes, shoes that have grown too small, and a full face of make-up, the last thing I need is a Target employee giving her commentary about my child or me.  The most memorable comments are below. 

“Wooo! WHEN are you due?” – heard daily, usually accompanied by a scowl

“I know you’re over it!” –first heard at 6.5 months when it was much too early to give birth to a fully developed child, causing a bit of worry

“Are you sure you’re not having twins?” -heard daily since 5 months

“I can tell by the way you’re carrying it, you’re having a _____________. “ –There is no consensus on this one.  There’s no prize for being right. There’s a 50/50 chance, people.

“You’re pregnant?” Often followed by “Finally!” or “It’s about time!” or “I’m glad I did that a long time ago.” or “You’re going to be so tired chasing after her.” “Was it planned?” or “I didn’t even think you wanted kids.” or “You better hurry up and have another one!”

“Doing some last minute shopping?” –asked of me at 7 months

  

“Are you going to marry the father?” –asked by a total stranger, not knowing that I was married, but too swollen to wear my rings. Thanks for pointing that out, lady.

“Oh, that <pregnancy symptom> is nothing. Just wait until <something they think is much worse> happens.” – Once again, see my previous post.

“You look like you could eat everything in here.”  –said by a coffee shop associate, referencing the pastry case, after a particularly difficult day with nausea and vomiting. I needed to eat something, but the thought of anything make me nauseous, never mind being able to eat “everything”.  I did not get any food, but ended up throwing up the iced chai latte, halfway through. I should have done it out in the open so that she could clean it up.

“You have to eat more than that. At least give the baby some ice cream.” –said by a woman whom had given birth to her only child 11 weeks early because of her gestational diabetes and high blood pressure.  

“I know you’re not going to try to go natural with THAT.” –I actually pray every day that I can, but thanks for your vote of confidence.

“You look like you’re ready to pop… burst… explode!” –um, thanks?

“Should you be wearing that?” This may be heals, leggings, a short dress, flip-flops, a tank top, spandex… anything beyond a mu-mu, I guess.

“Man! You look exhausted!” – said by a sales associate as a I entered a shoe store where I was planning to purchase new trail-runners for my next hike up Stone Mountain. I wondered how often he was making that climb.  I was going 3 days a week, at the time.

“You’re making my legs hurt just looking at you.” –said by a 300 pound woman. Um… 

“You need to sit down before you hurt something.” –said by a man at the gym as I was completing gentle arm circuit.

"You could have a miscarriage if you keep ____________ <running, practicing yoga, walking, lifting even the lightest of weights, standing up> 

  

“How many do you have in there?!” –asked by another large woman, to which I wanted to reply, “how many double cheeseburgers do you have in there?”  

   

“You look so tired” – said by an overweight woman, doubled over on her shopping cart, to which I replied “aw, you too”

“That baby is all in your nose.” – said by a drug store employee who did not know that I have always had a wide nose.

“Is your doctor sure about the due date?” –asked by many, but most memorably by the ultrasound technician

“You look pale, peaked and weak.” – said by my OB as he told me to double up on my prenatal vitamins, folic acid, iron and Omega 3s.  When he left the room, I broke into tears as I considered how my child and I were obviously malnourished. 

“Are you going to make it?” –said by a retail employee after I briskly walked the length of the parking lot. She said that she could tell I was tired… I didn’t feel very tired, despite having attended a 90-minute Bikram yoga class three hours earlier.  A few minutes later, a much larger, non-pregnant woman walked to the register, huffing, puffing, sweating and fanning herself.  I quietly asked the associate if she were also going to ask that lady if she were going to make it.  The associate rolled her eyes.

That lady just thought that I was a witchy pregnant lady, without thinking about how thoughtless she was.  What if I had a serious body image issue or eating disorder? What if I feared never getting my once fit body back? What if my husband rejected my new rotund figure? What if I had been pregnant with twins, but just learned that one passed away in utero, but I still had to carry it to term? <it happens> What if I were so big from gestational diabetes and at risk for delivering a sick child? What if I were carrying a fragile child who were at risk for coming early?  What if I were just THAT exhausted after being on my feet at the minimum wage job that I must keep because I have no other support system?  What would you say to that Total Stranger?

I became increasingly annoyed, though I mostly smiled in response.  I just keep thinking, how detrimental might these questions and comments been had I been a more fragile woman? I gradually became protective of my current and future pregnant sisters.  After several months of this, I started offering some of these insensitive strangers alternatives to their greetings.

“Blessings and miracles”

“You look great! You’re baby must be so healthy.”

“You look radiant!”

“I see that glow!”

“Pregnancy looks great on you!”

“How are you feeling?”

“You must be so strong.”

“What an awesome privilege God has blessed you with!”

“You are an inspiration!” – Actually I do hear this while at yoga or boot camp

“You must be so excited!”

“I am so happy for you!”

“You’re going to make a great mother!”

“Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Congratulations”

*smile

*nothing

You’re welcome.

This is pale, peaked, weak, exhausted, exploding, miserable me at 7 months